The first few months after discovering that I was with child, which happens to be about a year ago now, Thomas seemed to be unattached to the life growing in my then tiny belly. So since I Google everything, I came across an article on Babycenter.com, which is the most useful site for parents and parents to be, I must add, that listed what to expect during pregnancy. This list not only put into perspective what my body would be going through, but what my mind would be experiencing. I quickly skimmed through and found the answer I was searching for that day, “What to Expect from Your Partner”.
Apparently, not all men acknowledge the realness of your pregnancy until the first time witnessing an ultrasound appointment, or the first time hearing it on that sonograph thingy. In fact, some of them can be emotionless right up to the day that your little one arrives! I know, crazy right? But surprising? I would think not. I mean, no offense to the my male readers, some of you aren’t exactly affectionately and emotionally wired to the tee. So the article gave me what I call a “checkpoint”. And by early-June of last year, I had reached it, or should I say, we had reached it.
At that time, I was still waiting for my first scheduled prenatal visit to the Obgyn and I was experiencing some abdominal pains bad enough that Thomas quickly rushed me to the Mercy Hospital emergency room. We both didn’t really know what to expect, but I mean, we didn’t have any information about the pregnancy at all yet. All we knew was that we were having a baby.
We waited for what seemed to be days to be seen. Next thing I remembered, I was on the bed, holding Thomas’s hand waiting for the doc. I can remember this moment so clearly; my tiny little self, eyes swollen from my own tears, looking at Thomas looking at me, and at the curtain, then back at me, waiting, in silence, nervous, scared, and new.
Enter Dr. California. Big bleach white teeth, star winning smile, cordial energy, and a tan any Californian would be fond of. He was about 50ish, and immediately, Thomas and I were on greener grass.
I was asked the usual prenatal questions, when the last time I had my mp was, which OB I was seeing, what my symptoms were, blah blah. And then the real question was asked, “do you know how far along you are?” Now, in that room, I answered, “No”. But in my mind, I was saying, no, no, tell us, tell us, tell us! Dr. California pulled up my shirt a little above my belly button and pulled the waist of my pants down just slightly low enough to take position with his hands to where my little one’s growth was. Exactly where I had been placing my hands since the positive pregnancy test. My mind raced between month guesses. Three months—no, two and a half months. No, closer to three.
“Here’s the fundus. Yup…okay…does that hurt?…okay, now I haven’t done this in about twenty years, but my educational guess would be about four–four and a half almost.” WHAT?! My eyes had surely widened and darted directly to Thomas. “Let me grab a sonograph and see if we can let’cha listen to the heart.” Shoots us a star smile, & exit Dr. California.
Four months?! Where were the symptoms? I thought I had a ‘P’ but I’m irregular, so how would I have caught on? When did the first three months fly by? Totally under the radar! So many thoughts were running through my mind; my birthday was just two months prior, the hookah bar in April, my poor dieting. What harm I might have caused for my baby! My head had probably literally started spinning on my shoulders.
“What I’m going to do now is put some of this warm jelly on your belly here…okay, yes, here we are…” my nerves heightened each time I didnt hear anything. “Sometimes, it can be difficult to find at this stage…” OMG! “First baby?” I answer, “yes”. Just find it already! my heart paused; could it be that…?–and then, there it was. Very faint at first, then louder as doc cranked up the volume. All I remember at that moment was the look on Thomas’s face. Joy, surprise, realization, awakening. His look said it all. And all of a sudden, hearing that snake hissing heart beat, I was relieved. My heart grew bigger that night the amount of times I heard his beat. Fast, strong, healthy. “Everything sounds great!”, Dr. California assures us. And it was almost as if he was telling us that whatever worries we were to have from then on, everything will be okay. Like he was telling us our little growing baby was the answer to all questions. Like our lives have taken the right turn…
I think about that moment every time I catch Thomas staring at Teej, smiling his half smile. The smile that I know lets me know he’s truly content. I know that he feels what I feel now. That night made everything come full circle and its momentum started a cycle for us that I never want to steer away from.
Yeah, you know in Lion King –that song that starts the movie? That’s exactly what our life has been like since that night. (PLEASE, look up the lyrics.) And I honestly cannot be happier knowing that my little cub is learning the facts and art of life from not only myself, but from my loving husband.
Blessed to infinity in this Circle of Life.