I don’t keep playing because I want to win.   I play because I don’t want to lose.

I keep putting myself down because I’m worried that I’m not big enough compared to everyone else.  But I realized that I haven’t given up.  I’m still here.  I still keep fighting for something.  I still keep on pushing forward to get to the next place, wherever it may be.  I still cannot give up.  My husband ordered a book the other day by Simon Sinek, Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action, and though I haven’t even read the book, I found myself wondering why?  Why start with why? Why even ask why?  What is my why?  And then it hit me.  Without a why, I don’t have a what, or a where, a who, or a whatever.

I wanted to create a better me.  Every day I wanted to be better than the person I was the day before.

I’ve had a huge difficulty in the past years really discovering who I was, and maintaining a concrete disposition of my own character.  I was here, I was there, I was everywhere; and times I’ve found myself nowhere.  But I never gave up.  I’m still here.  I’m still creating new goals for myself.  I’m still tweaking The Plan. I know that deep in my heart, I never want to Fail at LIFE.

That’s exactly it.  There is so much that is offered. Opportunities, chances, choices, decisions, invitations, events.  And I find myself wanting to be a part of it all even in the very least.  And I don’t find anything wrong with that.

You see, I know and have met a lot of people who are educated, and then some who haven’t even gone through high school.   But I know very few who have brought up the topic of life in the midst of any conversation.

I used to work with this person who was a recovering alcoholic.  You ever met someone who recovered from drug or alcohol abuse before?  Sure you have.  Here’s a stranger that most people would criticize and judge, recovering from something that almost took her whole life away.  Can you imagine what that must feel like?  The more I spoke to this “crazy” woman, the more respect I began to have towards her.  She had a son and a daughter who she was only able to see at scheduled visits.  Can you imagine that?  Having to be scheduled to see your own children?  I remember her asking me one day, “Do you have kids?” No, I told her.  “Well can you imagine yourself being a mother and  going to the park with your kids?  Wouldn’t that be nice?” Yea, I told her.  “Well how about that and being watched the whole time by a social worker breathing down your neck watching every move you make like you’re going to eat your kids alive or something? It’s the worst feeling ever.”  Pause. “But you know what? This is why I’m here.  For them.  I want them to know that I can get out of any mess I’m in.  You just don’t give up.”  I had a tough time for the first week working with her.  But from that day onward, I found my spirit uplifted every time I saw her.  Whether it be at work, or walking the streets of downtown New Haven, I knew I wanted to be something like her.  Someone who never gave up on her why.

Every person I have met in my life has made some kind of difference in my character.  And I realize that over and over again.  Their stories are the reason why I keep pushing forward; because I want to hear more.  I want to know more.  I want to be more.

So now that I know that I’m not as small as I thought I would be lined up close to my friends, I can keep on down my path to discovery.  I will create every part of my life the way I want it to be.  If I want to see the world, I will open my eyes.   If I want to feel compassion, I will reach out.  If I want take my time, there is nothing stopping me.

I want to have stories on end to tell my grandchildren because in each story, there is a lesson.  My only fear is that if I don’t continue, I’ll lose a chance to learn something new.  So I don’t do it to win.  I do it because I don’t want to lose.  And with that, I know I cannot fail.

I love reading this story to TJ.  Oh the Places You’ll Go, by Dr. Seuss.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21WUcHMV9E4

The first few months after discovering that I was with child, which happens to be about a year ago now,  Thomas seemed to be unattached to the life growing in my then tiny belly. So since I Google everything, I came across an article on Babycenter.com, which is the most useful site for parents and parents to be, I must add, that listed what to expect during pregnancy.  This list not only put into perspective what my body would be going through, but what my mind would be experiencing.  I quickly skimmed through and found the answer I was searching for that day, “What to Expect from Your Partner”.

Apparently, not all men acknowledge the realness of your pregnancy until the first time witnessing an ultrasound appointment, or the first time hearing it on that sonograph thingy.  In fact, some of them can be emotionless right up to the day that your little one arrives! I know, crazy right? But surprising? I would think not.  I mean, no offense to the my male readers, some of you aren’t exactly affectionately and emotionally wired to the tee.  So the article gave me what I call a “checkpoint”.  And by early-June of last year, I had reached it, or should I say, we had reached it.

At that time, I was still waiting for my first scheduled prenatal visit to the Obgyn and I was experiencing some abdominal pains bad enough that  Thomas quickly rushed me to the Mercy Hospital emergency room.  We both didn’t really know what to expect, but I mean, we didn’t have any information about the pregnancy at all yet.  All we knew was that we were having a baby.

We waited for what seemed to be days to be seen. Next thing I remembered, I was on the bed, holding Thomas’s hand waiting for the doc.  I can remember this moment so clearly; my tiny little self, eyes swollen from my own tears, looking at Thomas looking at me, and at the curtain, then back at me, waiting, in silence, nervous, scared, and new.

Enter Dr. California.  Big bleach white teeth, star winning smile, cordial energy, and a tan any Californian would be fond of.  He was about 50ish, and immediately, Thomas and I were on greener grass.

I was asked the usual prenatal questions, when the last time I had my mp was, which OB I was seeing, what my symptoms were, blah blah. And then the real question was asked, “do you know how far along you are?” Now, in that room, I answered, “No”.  But in my mind, I was saying, no, no, tell us, tell us, tell us! Dr. California pulled up my shirt a little above my belly button and pulled the waist of my pants down just slightly low enough to take position with his hands to where my little one’s growth was. Exactly where I had been placing my hands since the positive pregnancy test.  My mind raced between month guesses. Three months—no, two and a half months. No, closer to three.

“Here’s the fundus. Yup…okay…does that hurt?…okay, now I haven’t done this in about twenty years, but my educational guess would be about four–four and a half almost.” WHAT?! My eyes had surely widened and darted directly to Thomas. “Let me grab a sonograph and see if we can let’cha listen to the heart.” Shoots us a star smile, & exit Dr. California.

Four months?! Where were the symptoms? I thought I had a ‘P’ but I’m irregular, so how would I have caught on? When did the first three months fly by? Totally under the radar! So many thoughts were running through my mind; my birthday was just two months prior, the hookah bar in April, my poor dieting. What harm I might have caused for my baby! My head had probably literally started spinning on my shoulders.

“What I’m going to do now is put some of this warm jelly on your belly here…okay, yes, here we are…” my nerves heightened each time I didnt hear anything. “Sometimes, it can be difficult to find at this stage…” OMG! “First baby?” I answer, “yes”. Just find it already! my heart paused; could it be that…?–and then, there it was. Very faint at first, then louder as doc cranked up the volume. All I remember at that moment was the look on Thomas’s face. Joy, surprise, realization, awakening. His look said it all. And all of a sudden, hearing that snake hissing heart beat, I was relieved. My heart grew bigger that night the amount of times I heard his beat. Fast, strong, healthy. “Everything sounds great!”, Dr. California assures us. And it was almost as if he was telling us that whatever worries we were to have from then on, everything will be okay. Like he was telling us our little growing baby was the answer to all questions. Like our lives have taken the right turn…

I think about that moment every time I catch Thomas staring at Teej, smiling his half smile. The smile that I know lets me know he’s truly content. I know that he feels what I feel now. That night made everything come full circle and its momentum started a cycle for us that I never want to steer away from.

Yeah, you know in Lion King –that song that starts the movie? That’s exactly what our life has been like since that night. (PLEASE, look up the lyrics.) And I honestly cannot be happier knowing that my little cub is learning the facts and art of life from not only myself, but from my loving husband.

Blessed to infinity in this Circle of Life.

As you can see in the photo, it’s way past my bedtime. Or at least when my bedtime should be. My husband just fell asleep after some intimate pillow talk and whispered conversing.  Now, usually, I’d have to put in a good amount of effort into trying to keep him awake enough, with a couple of “why don’t you…” implying questions, but tonight, he was sharing the effort.  Open up your mind, talk to me, I tell him. I am able to appreciate him doing so tonight.

Now, we’re not in the most favorable situation at the moment.   He’s the only one working, I’m trying to focus between mainly school and baby, and we hardly have any time to do anything really enjoyable.  We’re currently living with my sister in law which makes it a little harder for us to have some spatious private time (oxymoron in some sense), and to create our own environment for our little growing family, although, we have been blessed with needed financial slack.  Bottom line, this time in our lives have hit the first burn running up our hill towards success.  Our “living the dream” has not yet launched it’s glorious effect, but we are getting there. Slowly but surely.

I just imagine the day he comes home with such a smile on his face that lasts for hours, to minutes, to seconds up until we fall asleep together in each others arms. I mean literally, spooning.  If we had a label, our tagline would say “Spooning since 2006 ©” ha! Well, I have to say, I feel that we are one in the small percentage of married/unmarried couples who are seemingly unbearably glued to each other most nights.  But we love it! It just seems right.

And now back to the pillow talk. Nights like these, when he’s stressed out from work, about life, about us, I cannot bear his mood. Not in an “I’m annoyed!” way but in an “my husband is not happy (sad face)” way. I hate it!  When he is happy, unless I’m upset or annoyed, I’m happy. When he is unhappy, I’m not happy. I am reciprocally emotionally connected to him.  And tonight was one of those heartfelt nights.

See, I truly believe that it is extremely important for marriages to rest on a solid foundation consisting of three things. 1. Mind; share with each other every single thought, idea, bit of intellect, opinion, value, negativity, positivity, etc. 2. Body; share a kiss for every hi and see you later, a hug for every chance you get, a couple of brushes here and there, playful childish quarrels, or some spooning! And 3. Soul; give each other your everything. Enough said.

It may sound cliché. Yeah yeah. But if it is a basis for reaching potential for oneself, imagine how powerfully effective it is for lovers, married and unmarried. That’s right, what we have is a powerful relationship. We fight, we make up. When either one of us are falling apart, we are always available for each other. When we need to laugh, we tell a joke. It’s so simple!

When, at the end of the day, and you’re mentally drained, exhausted, and checked out of the world, remember to rest your head on your pillow, position yourself face to face with your partner and say, talk to me.

It is such a fulfilling moment if executed successfully, and you’ll be sure to have a peaceful drift…towards…sleep.